Give your day a comical start when you read one-liners by this stand-up comedian. Begin each day, on a happy note. Use our quotes and pass them around.
- I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too.
- I don’t have a microwave oven but I do have a clock that occasionally cooks shit.
- I’m against picketing, but I don’t know how to show it.
- My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
- You know, I’m sick of following my dreams, man. I’m just going to ask where they’re going and hook up with ’em later.
- I like rice. Rice is great when you’re hungry and you want 2,000 of something.
- I haven’t slept for ten days, because that would be too long.
- Every book is a children’s book if the kid can read!
- A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.
- Is a hippopotamus really a hippopotomus or just a really cool opotamus?
