Mitch Hedberg quotes so you can laugh off your head

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Give your day a comical start when you read one-liners by this stand-up comedian. Begin each day, on a happy note. Use our quotes and pass them around.

  1. I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too.
  2. I don’t have a microwave oven but I do have a clock that occasionally cooks shit.
  3. I’m against picketing, but I don’t know how to show it.
  4. My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
  5. You know, I’m sick of following my dreams, man. I’m just going to ask where they’re going and hook up with ’em later.
  6. I like rice. Rice is great when you’re hungry and you want 2,000 of something.
  7. I haven’t slept for ten days, because that would be too long.
  8. Every book is a children’s book if the kid can read!
  9. A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.
  10. Is a hippopotamus really a hippopotomus or just a really cool opotamus?

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